By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

Currently sitting at Gate 8 in the San Jose airport, waiting to board my flight to Washington, D.C. (Actually, technically on my way to Dallas/Ft. Worth, however, that stop is merely a layover; in addition, I highly detest the DFW airport, so I’d prefer not to talk about it at this juncture.)

This is the first time in a very long time that I have not flown by myself somewhere. While I admittedly enjoy the peace that is associated with not flying with the entirety of my family (also including, on occasion, my mom’s entire family), I find the airport to be a very lonely place despite the morass of people in varying degrees of a hurry to get to where they are going. Today I will fly with my roommate (and sister) Courtney.

Courtney does not like to travel. Last night when we came home from work, we completed various travel preparations in anticipation of this weekend’s events, and she demonstrated an above-average level of anxiety. She has forewarned me that she will inevitably spend the duration of the flight anxiously trying to find things to do to pass the time and get her mind off of the fact that the width of the seat back is more narrow than even our below-average-width shoulders and off of the fact that her ears hurt. She will also inevitably attempt to involve me in these distraction-mechanisms. However, Courtney invariably underestimates my ability to resist the temptation to succumb to peer pressure. (The previous was a purposely convoluted sentence meant to satisfy my desire to incorporate the word “succumb.”) I will sleep through at least the entire first flight, and my mouth will be hanging open in an embarrassing fashion (or lack thereof. Pun. Double entendre?). Also, my exceptionally heavy head tends to do that thing where you’re falling asleep and it falls forward til your neck almost snaps and it wakes you up but not enough to allow your roommate/the person sitting next to you to try to include you in his or her distraction mechanisms.

Airport-related pet peeve: Overly enthusiastic or informative members of the flight crew. I happen to work really hard at lowering my heart rate and caffeine intake in the 12-24 hours preceding a flight, and exceptionally peppy flight attendants can really cause two steps back on my relaxation regime. As we wait for our flight to begin boarding, one particular member of the flight crew is attempting to assure us that we have all the information that he has by making sure we are informed of and fully understand the “next steps” to get us to our goal of being On the Plane. Currently, the arriving flight is running a few (i.e., less than 8) minutes behind schedule. But the incoming flight is not full, so it will not take them very long to disembark. He predicts that we will still be able to take off at our previously estimated departure time of 9:50am. Later we receive an update that we will still be able to depart at approximately 9:50am. So we should not worry. Because we will still be on time.

Now let me ask you a question, flight attendant: Why is this information necessary? For what reason would I not allow you the benefit of the doubt to transport me to my destination in a timely manner? To clarify, how long on average does each passenger take to get off of the plane? And how many passengers exactly are on the incoming plane? Why haven’t you reminded us that one of our carry-on bags must go under our seats? Can I bring this bag that does not fit into the “Bag Sizers” that are placed all over the airport? What if I shove it really hard into the overhead bin? That bin doesn’t really need to be shut does it? Can I smoke in the bathroom? No? Even if I tamper with the smoke detector?

SO MANY RULES!?!? WHY DID THEY CONFISCATE MY STEAK KNIFE AT THE SECURITY CHECKPOINT?